Raya is one of the inconvenient events that i can remember.
Lame reason, I have to wear baju kurung, and mms. even if i din want to sooner or later i would be asked to switch camera.
I would compliment her, out of habbit, she would say the same in return.
To kiss the hands that I love and say selamat hari raya,maaf zahir dan batin every single year.
I know I won't change that much or nearly nil.
Top of all I am still ok with it.
Selamat Hari Raya everybody!!!
and to those who doesn't celebrate, have a nice holiday!
cheers, stay stoned.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
girl loves girl.
agak susah nak online in public spaces.
besar sangat label nie. tapi tak nak buang.
biar ah!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
i have to memorize this so i'll know what to say to mother in case she really finds out.
ma : Who did this to you??!
me : I haven't caught a disease mom, i'm just gay. like i have brown hair.
ma : First! you stop coming to mosque. Now you're up to your neck in sin!
me : It's not a sin!mom i never killed or stolen? and mom i'm trying not to lie to you!
ma : It's a HUGE sin!
me : According to who?!
ma : According to GOD!!!
me : What kind of a God is that?I can't accept it!!
ma : Then you will burn.in.hell!
me : I haven't caught a disease mom, i'm just gay. like i have brown hair.
ma : First! you stop coming to mosque. Now you're up to your neck in sin!
me : It's not a sin!mom i never killed or stolen? and mom i'm trying not to lie to you!
ma : It's a HUGE sin!
me : According to who?!
ma : According to GOD!!!
me : What kind of a God is that?I can't accept it!!
ma : Then you will burn.in.hell!
ada berani?hehehe..
a scene from i can't think straight (yes that's why it sounds so familiar)
a scene from i can't think straight (yes that's why it sounds so familiar)
Sunday, September 6, 2009
how i wish there were more Apples
I knew Apple for more than 2 years now. I was called to write in order to remember the old days where I did not have any friends for emotional support and just accept that i am still human and choosing a meal does not influenced by my sexual orientation.
of course la nobody support, i didn't even tell anybody i had a brutal crush on a girl.lol.
bagus jugak i didn't because at that time we were underage.
finally when M and I went separate ways, my rock and roll friend had this idea to work in Langkawi because hating that comfortable environment she's having in KL. i took that opportunity to run away from memory of M. so we packed our bags and went.
So, in Langkawi I met Apple. It's well known, in lkw most of em are not lkw-ian. most of em are from mainland and...it surprised me to find that most of em were there for almost the same reason as mine (not just the one cases plu, it also includes other big 'drama' in the world)
I got very close to Apple and only few months later she told me why she was there in the first place. it's very bad, i was in disbelief. well of course at that time, she hasn't heard mine but i couldn't lie to her face any longer. it didn't feel right. we even shower together. and so i spilled and we laughed and laughed. OMG are there more of us here?? she didn't freak out, she listened. i think from what she has been through, my case is just another, only different. we sighed at all drops of pins onto us..once in a while she would ask about being one, some are even funny.i just answered, to me i was glad she asked. we are friends until today, when we're back here in hell, KL.
so all friends who accept this certain traits are just born with, thanks for being there:
ek*inibi
al*k
n*jua
k*tik
m*i nu*rul h*da
mas*o
po*dien
n*nu
han*
thil*ga
fio*a
ikh*an
sy*k
cha*p
azr*en
no*n
a*da
su*ia
c*a2
w*ta
za*mel
h*da
haf*z
fa*in
tay*i
y*en
har*y
ro*ie
c*kam
sh*frin
di*ana
a*ie
a*da
z*za
g*
ti*a
me*na
na*
wa*ren
is*ail
sy*z
sher*l
s*ti
and the latest n*r.
nie saja yg bole ingat setakat ini.
stay stoned!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
why people say i sound and look younger than my real age.
poyo nya!hehe.
maybe (cis nak jawab jugak.heheee..) because i still wanna live in the past.
i could slow my pace and be nearer to the time where what i 'wanted' became 'have and gotten.'
bla bla bla...
i still say your name, i still have that box filled with your letters, the lil notes, the cds, the cards, the toys, that coded letters weren't we just brilliant (in school.long story, avoid from getting caught)
some has turned yellow, but i still keep it.
i hope somewhere in your room, be it under your bed in a corner and dusty. you still have my letters, my lil notes with bad handwriting, the cds with the songs to show how i was in love with you but keeping it cool (inside i was dying!), the cards that so expensive i bought from hallmark just because i don't know how to make a pop up card like you do, the soft toys actually i got from winning at funfair during family vacation but you don't mind, that coded letter, and other things bla bla bla...
but forgive me sweetheart, deep inside i really need a new box to fill. then i might need your space for that new box because enough is enough of you filling up my spaces. but i still not know how could i clear you from my mind because it's not something i can google to.
so why do i sound and look younger than my age? because i'm still keeping the boxxx!
stay stoned.goooood niiiiiteeeeee!!!!!!!!!
maybe (cis nak jawab jugak.heheee..) because i still wanna live in the past.
i could slow my pace and be nearer to the time where what i 'wanted' became 'have and gotten.'
bla bla bla...
i still say your name, i still have that box filled with your letters, the lil notes, the cds, the cards, the toys, that coded letters weren't we just brilliant (in school.long story, avoid from getting caught)
some has turned yellow, but i still keep it.
i hope somewhere in your room, be it under your bed in a corner and dusty. you still have my letters, my lil notes with bad handwriting, the cds with the songs to show how i was in love with you but keeping it cool (inside i was dying!), the cards that so expensive i bought from hallmark just because i don't know how to make a pop up card like you do, the soft toys actually i got from winning at funfair during family vacation but you don't mind, that coded letter, and other things bla bla bla...
but forgive me sweetheart, deep inside i really need a new box to fill. then i might need your space for that new box because enough is enough of you filling up my spaces. but i still not know how could i clear you from my mind because it's not something i can google to.
so why do i sound and look younger than my age? because i'm still keeping the boxxx!
stay stoned.goooood niiiiiteeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
facebook.duh.
i have a facebook i do.
Ms M just created her profile when she finished study. and i was in her friend list. lucky new and old boyfriend are not.
FRIEND list. FRIENDD--uh.
i do check her out once in a while. ok wth. i check her out everytime.
it's not a sign that i haven't moved on. i have.i really have.
i even start thinking of dating, but nothing comes up. not yet.
*nervous*
Ms M just created her profile when she finished study. and i was in her friend list. lucky new and old boyfriend are not.
FRIEND list. FRIENDD--uh.
i do check her out once in a while. ok wth. i check her out everytime.
it's not a sign that i haven't moved on. i have.i really have.
i even start thinking of dating, but nothing comes up. not yet.
*nervous*
Thursday, August 27, 2009
when mom's in the picture
i could sense that mom was worried, when i was with Ms M.
not that mom knew, that what made her worried more i thought.
mom always said that though she delivered a baby girl, she always felt that she had 3 sons (i have 2 elder brothers). out until 4-6 am in d morning and will not be at home almost every weekend. mama sometimes said, "rupa pun dah lupa". i never talk back but talked about other things instead, she laughed and smiled but when it weekends again she started to worry. im her racun n penawar she said.
Ms M and i always had our getaway, since she was still studying and i was just starting up we had our getaway in the country. When i studied in west malaysia, she flew from east so we could spend d weekend 2gether. i would always remember how my heart thump like a factory machine, waiting for her to appear from the gate, with her bags, decent smile and a promise how great the getaway would be. our 'honeymoons' getaway are the best i ever had. the thing i like when we're together even as both were students we never cared who's gonna pay for this meal, how we're gonna divide it and bla3, as long as both contributed by the end of the day both are happy.
When Ms M had her practical in Klang i'l b driving back n forth federal highway at 4-5 am in the morning. and it is always worth it just to spent our time together.it was the last time since i willingly do that to anyone else. will it be weird if i want that feeling to come again?
So,mom. never asked but she would definitely know by the lil notes i stick on my bedside table. it could never be a note from a guy.the handwriting was too nice and careful. mom once asked a cousin( cousin n i can't be under the same room,merenyam,bising dan buaih) "auntie pun nak cari perempuan la tinggal sekali buat teman,laki-laki sekarang nie menyusahkan, boleh x?" (oops,sorry guys) my cousin called me just after she escaped from the overwhelmed conversation. we both knew she's trying to dig something out. thumbs up,mama:) owh, mom never remarry after ayah passed away 20 yrs ago. in case there's a confusion.
2 years when i keep my relationship with MS M as a secret, mama finally asked who i was seeing. i never told her the truth. i guess i din wanna break her heart. im glad i din,i din have to.
While Ms M always said that as the only child, the only daughter, it's difficult for her to confront her mom. That's why she's keeping her bf (according to her). i know that along the years she had loved her bf and i came in the picture a little too late. we had arguments about this every now and then because why not breaking up with her bf when 24/7 we're together. she cried, i cried. well of course. i just can't picture her in beautiful pengantin dress and clinging to somebody else's arm. urgh i just hate that! M told her mom indirectly and somehow her mom knows my name. one fine day, wise M scribbled my name on the mirror after hot bath and her mom asked..u love who very much??realizing that it's not Mr Macho's name that she knew off. what i like about M eventhough i came out first before she did, she admitted to her mom. and mom was cool about it and gave her some advice. im pretty sure it's religious contents and i din blame mom. she did wat she had to.
whatever it is, i love moms. i wish every mom would have that length of patience and understandings. they din freak out, they knew that somehow along the way, the fragile heart of their daughters might bumped into something different, and scary. but those who doesn't, i guess we can't actually stop them from feeling what they feel. we might have something that we might not like for no reason. and nobody can change that. don't be sad. don't try to kill yourself. you are not alone.
that's all. stay stoned.
not that mom knew, that what made her worried more i thought.
mom always said that though she delivered a baby girl, she always felt that she had 3 sons (i have 2 elder brothers). out until 4-6 am in d morning and will not be at home almost every weekend. mama sometimes said, "rupa pun dah lupa". i never talk back but talked about other things instead, she laughed and smiled but when it weekends again she started to worry. im her racun n penawar she said.
Ms M and i always had our getaway, since she was still studying and i was just starting up we had our getaway in the country. When i studied in west malaysia, she flew from east so we could spend d weekend 2gether. i would always remember how my heart thump like a factory machine, waiting for her to appear from the gate, with her bags, decent smile and a promise how great the getaway would be. our 'honeymoons' getaway are the best i ever had. the thing i like when we're together even as both were students we never cared who's gonna pay for this meal, how we're gonna divide it and bla3, as long as both contributed by the end of the day both are happy.
When Ms M had her practical in Klang i'l b driving back n forth federal highway at 4-5 am in the morning. and it is always worth it just to spent our time together.it was the last time since i willingly do that to anyone else. will it be weird if i want that feeling to come again?
So,mom. never asked but she would definitely know by the lil notes i stick on my bedside table. it could never be a note from a guy.the handwriting was too nice and careful. mom once asked a cousin( cousin n i can't be under the same room,merenyam,bising dan buaih) "auntie pun nak cari perempuan la tinggal sekali buat teman,laki-laki sekarang nie menyusahkan, boleh x?" (oops,sorry guys) my cousin called me just after she escaped from the overwhelmed conversation. we both knew she's trying to dig something out. thumbs up,mama:) owh, mom never remarry after ayah passed away 20 yrs ago. in case there's a confusion.
2 years when i keep my relationship with MS M as a secret, mama finally asked who i was seeing. i never told her the truth. i guess i din wanna break her heart. im glad i din,i din have to.
While Ms M always said that as the only child, the only daughter, it's difficult for her to confront her mom. That's why she's keeping her bf (according to her). i know that along the years she had loved her bf and i came in the picture a little too late. we had arguments about this every now and then because why not breaking up with her bf when 24/7 we're together. she cried, i cried. well of course. i just can't picture her in beautiful pengantin dress and clinging to somebody else's arm. urgh i just hate that! M told her mom indirectly and somehow her mom knows my name. one fine day, wise M scribbled my name on the mirror after hot bath and her mom asked..u love who very much??realizing that it's not Mr Macho's name that she knew off. what i like about M eventhough i came out first before she did, she admitted to her mom. and mom was cool about it and gave her some advice. im pretty sure it's religious contents and i din blame mom. she did wat she had to.
whatever it is, i love moms. i wish every mom would have that length of patience and understandings. they din freak out, they knew that somehow along the way, the fragile heart of their daughters might bumped into something different, and scary. but those who doesn't, i guess we can't actually stop them from feeling what they feel. we might have something that we might not like for no reason. and nobody can change that. don't be sad. don't try to kill yourself. you are not alone.
that's all. stay stoned.
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