when mom's in the picture

i could sense that mom was worried, when i was with Ms M.

not that mom knew, that what made her worried more i thought.

mom always said that though she delivered a baby girl, she always felt that she had 3 sons (i have 2 elder brothers). out until 4-6 am in d morning and will not be at home almost every weekend. mama sometimes said, "rupa pun dah lupa". i never talk back but talked about other things instead, she laughed and smiled but when it weekends again she started to worry. im her racun n penawar she said.

Ms M and i always had our getaway, since she was still studying and i was just starting up we had our getaway in the country. When i studied in west malaysia, she flew from east so we could spend d weekend 2gether. i would always remember how my heart thump like a factory machine, waiting for her to appear from the gate, with her bags, decent smile and a promise how great the getaway would be. our 'honeymoons' getaway are the best i ever had. the thing i like when we're together even as both were students we never cared who's gonna pay for this meal, how we're gonna divide it and bla3, as long as both contributed by the end of the day both are happy.

When Ms M had her practical in Klang i'l b driving back n forth federal highway at 4-5 am in the morning. and it is always worth it just to spent our time together.it was the last time since i willingly do that to anyone else. will it be weird if i want that feeling to come again?

So,mom. never asked but she would definitely know by the lil notes i stick on my bedside table. it could never be a note from a guy.the handwriting was too nice and careful. mom once asked a cousin( cousin n i can't be under the same room,merenyam,bising dan buaih) "auntie pun nak cari perempuan la tinggal sekali buat teman,laki-laki sekarang nie menyusahkan, boleh x?" (oops,sorry guys) my cousin called me just after she escaped from the overwhelmed conversation. we both knew she's trying to dig something out. thumbs up,mama:) owh, mom never remarry after ayah passed away 20 yrs ago. in case there's a confusion.

2 years when i keep my relationship with MS M as a secret, mama finally asked who i was seeing. i never told her the truth. i guess i din wanna break her heart. im glad i din,i din have to.

While Ms M always said that as the only child, the only daughter, it's difficult for her to confront her mom. That's why she's keeping her bf (according to her). i know that along the years she had loved her bf and i came in the picture a little too late. we had arguments about this every now and then because why not breaking up with her bf when 24/7 we're together. she cried, i cried. well of course. i just can't picture her in beautiful pengantin dress and clinging to somebody else's arm. urgh i just hate that! M told her mom indirectly and somehow her mom knows my name. one fine day, wise M scribbled my name on the mirror after hot bath and her mom asked..u love who very much??realizing that it's not Mr Macho's name that she knew off. what i like about M eventhough i came out first before she did, she admitted to her mom. and mom was cool about it and gave her some advice. im pretty sure it's religious contents and i din blame mom. she did wat she had to.

whatever it is, i love moms. i wish every mom would have that length of patience and understandings. they din freak out, they knew that somehow along the way, the fragile heart of their daughters might bumped into something different, and scary. but those who doesn't, i guess we can't actually stop them from feeling what they feel. we might have something that we might not like for no reason. and nobody can change that. don't be sad. don't try to kill yourself. you are not alone.

that's all. stay stoned.