i have a facebook i do.
Ms M just created her profile when she finished study. and i was in her friend list. lucky new and old boyfriend are not.
FRIEND list. FRIENDD--uh.
i do check her out once in a while. ok wth. i check her out everytime.
it's not a sign that i haven't moved on. i have.i really have.
i even start thinking of dating, but nothing comes up. not yet.
*nervous*
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
when mom's in the picture
i could sense that mom was worried, when i was with Ms M.
not that mom knew, that what made her worried more i thought.
mom always said that though she delivered a baby girl, she always felt that she had 3 sons (i have 2 elder brothers). out until 4-6 am in d morning and will not be at home almost every weekend. mama sometimes said, "rupa pun dah lupa". i never talk back but talked about other things instead, she laughed and smiled but when it weekends again she started to worry. im her racun n penawar she said.
Ms M and i always had our getaway, since she was still studying and i was just starting up we had our getaway in the country. When i studied in west malaysia, she flew from east so we could spend d weekend 2gether. i would always remember how my heart thump like a factory machine, waiting for her to appear from the gate, with her bags, decent smile and a promise how great the getaway would be. our 'honeymoons' getaway are the best i ever had. the thing i like when we're together even as both were students we never cared who's gonna pay for this meal, how we're gonna divide it and bla3, as long as both contributed by the end of the day both are happy.
When Ms M had her practical in Klang i'l b driving back n forth federal highway at 4-5 am in the morning. and it is always worth it just to spent our time together.it was the last time since i willingly do that to anyone else. will it be weird if i want that feeling to come again?
So,mom. never asked but she would definitely know by the lil notes i stick on my bedside table. it could never be a note from a guy.the handwriting was too nice and careful. mom once asked a cousin( cousin n i can't be under the same room,merenyam,bising dan buaih) "auntie pun nak cari perempuan la tinggal sekali buat teman,laki-laki sekarang nie menyusahkan, boleh x?" (oops,sorry guys) my cousin called me just after she escaped from the overwhelmed conversation. we both knew she's trying to dig something out. thumbs up,mama:) owh, mom never remarry after ayah passed away 20 yrs ago. in case there's a confusion.
2 years when i keep my relationship with MS M as a secret, mama finally asked who i was seeing. i never told her the truth. i guess i din wanna break her heart. im glad i din,i din have to.
While Ms M always said that as the only child, the only daughter, it's difficult for her to confront her mom. That's why she's keeping her bf (according to her). i know that along the years she had loved her bf and i came in the picture a little too late. we had arguments about this every now and then because why not breaking up with her bf when 24/7 we're together. she cried, i cried. well of course. i just can't picture her in beautiful pengantin dress and clinging to somebody else's arm. urgh i just hate that! M told her mom indirectly and somehow her mom knows my name. one fine day, wise M scribbled my name on the mirror after hot bath and her mom asked..u love who very much??realizing that it's not Mr Macho's name that she knew off. what i like about M eventhough i came out first before she did, she admitted to her mom. and mom was cool about it and gave her some advice. im pretty sure it's religious contents and i din blame mom. she did wat she had to.
whatever it is, i love moms. i wish every mom would have that length of patience and understandings. they din freak out, they knew that somehow along the way, the fragile heart of their daughters might bumped into something different, and scary. but those who doesn't, i guess we can't actually stop them from feeling what they feel. we might have something that we might not like for no reason. and nobody can change that. don't be sad. don't try to kill yourself. you are not alone.
that's all. stay stoned.
not that mom knew, that what made her worried more i thought.
mom always said that though she delivered a baby girl, she always felt that she had 3 sons (i have 2 elder brothers). out until 4-6 am in d morning and will not be at home almost every weekend. mama sometimes said, "rupa pun dah lupa". i never talk back but talked about other things instead, she laughed and smiled but when it weekends again she started to worry. im her racun n penawar she said.
Ms M and i always had our getaway, since she was still studying and i was just starting up we had our getaway in the country. When i studied in west malaysia, she flew from east so we could spend d weekend 2gether. i would always remember how my heart thump like a factory machine, waiting for her to appear from the gate, with her bags, decent smile and a promise how great the getaway would be. our 'honeymoons' getaway are the best i ever had. the thing i like when we're together even as both were students we never cared who's gonna pay for this meal, how we're gonna divide it and bla3, as long as both contributed by the end of the day both are happy.
When Ms M had her practical in Klang i'l b driving back n forth federal highway at 4-5 am in the morning. and it is always worth it just to spent our time together.it was the last time since i willingly do that to anyone else. will it be weird if i want that feeling to come again?
So,mom. never asked but she would definitely know by the lil notes i stick on my bedside table. it could never be a note from a guy.the handwriting was too nice and careful. mom once asked a cousin( cousin n i can't be under the same room,merenyam,bising dan buaih) "auntie pun nak cari perempuan la tinggal sekali buat teman,laki-laki sekarang nie menyusahkan, boleh x?" (oops,sorry guys) my cousin called me just after she escaped from the overwhelmed conversation. we both knew she's trying to dig something out. thumbs up,mama:) owh, mom never remarry after ayah passed away 20 yrs ago. in case there's a confusion.
2 years when i keep my relationship with MS M as a secret, mama finally asked who i was seeing. i never told her the truth. i guess i din wanna break her heart. im glad i din,i din have to.
While Ms M always said that as the only child, the only daughter, it's difficult for her to confront her mom. That's why she's keeping her bf (according to her). i know that along the years she had loved her bf and i came in the picture a little too late. we had arguments about this every now and then because why not breaking up with her bf when 24/7 we're together. she cried, i cried. well of course. i just can't picture her in beautiful pengantin dress and clinging to somebody else's arm. urgh i just hate that! M told her mom indirectly and somehow her mom knows my name. one fine day, wise M scribbled my name on the mirror after hot bath and her mom asked..u love who very much??realizing that it's not Mr Macho's name that she knew off. what i like about M eventhough i came out first before she did, she admitted to her mom. and mom was cool about it and gave her some advice. im pretty sure it's religious contents and i din blame mom. she did wat she had to.
whatever it is, i love moms. i wish every mom would have that length of patience and understandings. they din freak out, they knew that somehow along the way, the fragile heart of their daughters might bumped into something different, and scary. but those who doesn't, i guess we can't actually stop them from feeling what they feel. we might have something that we might not like for no reason. and nobody can change that. don't be sad. don't try to kill yourself. you are not alone.
that's all. stay stoned.
Friday, August 21, 2009
couldn't help myself.
Hey everybody.
Before that, I want to say something. In a tone where people toast for wedding to celebrate the joy of the newlyweds. hiiiiiii....! (ok2 serious now)
Raising the glass :
B and G.. don't waste what you think is a waste because it is not. even when deep inside you feel like, it is a waste. A real waste , when you decide to go separate ways and look back on how you have wasted the thing you thought was a waste. at that time, deep inside you will think ..WHAT WAS I THINKING!! you will be telling your friends "yes I am forgetting her day by day...." and you just know that is the most hurtful lie ever told.
If the PINK is written by B, i just wanted her to know that she really sounds like somebody i know. well i don't think i need to elaborate. i hope that you hang on for a little while juz for G to pass her 'period'. she loves you very much, she just doesn't know what to do with it and how to say it to you. probably she's the one who got into u at first, i am pretty sure. but please be patient. her emotional is at state which you might not cope. one thing for sure, you're her diamond in the rough. that stoned note #1 was a clear content that she never wanted to lose you, and not really sincere in letting you go. owh trust me (G dun be mad!)
and G. i feel you. once in a while we're afraid that our partners get bored. but that is normal doesn't matter if it is a straight relationship or the other. it is a nightmare,awful and all those things. you just need to pass through this. i hope you don't make her go. it will be hard for you. no kidding. whenever you forgot just scroll your blog (nasib baik ada blog!) and read the 1st moment you were with her. that was what you wanted, you don't want it to change. but. act on it.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
a night in cyna makes me wonder
ok, i was at a club.a straight club last night. my ex girlfriend really ruled my life, she destroyed my focus and my laughs. now that she has broken up with her boyfriend (the one while we were together) she is dating someone new, her own medical officer. i was never a yes, always a maybe.i was thinking if loving a girl is so hard, why not be with a man for once. at times i feel i could just throw myself on one, but of course i didn't.
after rounds of booze i finally managed to walk myself to the dance floor with some friends, some i just met. dance and dance. wondering why i could dance by myself with all my might when everybody needs to dance with somebody. i silently glance at a side. a man,foreigner i guess tapping on my shoulder. i just go back to myself dancing without giving any chance of my victory thoughts to lead its way on throwing myself to a man. and so, after hours i decided to just sat at a corner wif dis friend i just met.and looked around..
Defeat!!!
well my eyes couldn't help staring at her, like a tongue stick on ice (she who danced givingly, zero chance of prison desire) without realizing this new friend might notice. well maybe i'm tired of thinking about what others feel at times. fuck it. i was thinking, how nice...
i guess i'm still one!
Cheers.stay stoned.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
bad habbit
my bad habbit whenever im in a restaurant or cafe, alone or not, if i have a time in between ordering or waiting for foods to be served. my eyes will silently wander around(in an optimal degree) and my gaydar starts to function by itself. i noe. i dun think it's too obvious. like now.im at starbux centre point. well, i think the baristas alone is 1. once, i had 4 couples in a restaurant.how i noticed. an instant smile or positive pausing look.i had a girlfriend holding my arms.so.i can't be wrong rite?lol.
but it could be coincidence as well.bad habbit i dun care if you stay or go away.
but it could be coincidence as well.bad habbit i dun care if you stay or go away.
and after that
so another version of facebook purple lab is.meeting new PLU, cikeduting girls/butch (cikedut=check it out). after 2 months religiously using purplelab i do log in everytime im connected,found that it is a very interesting place to meet PLU n talk about how did u become one and aftermath. i met new friends there, endless msging about work, music and so on. there is flirting all around and it's a common thing.
but again, when it comes to the root of all, i don't think it will be a big help. unless if you're looking for friends or soulmates. mostly have assured of their identity and okay about it, whether they are out or not. but for those who mysteriously searching for their directions just say it's a dead end.
i believe they have number of people but you may find the same name connected on the board. for example,me.lol. if you wish to chill and just to search for another it is a recommended place.
cheers.stay stoned.
but again, when it comes to the root of all, i don't think it will be a big help. unless if you're looking for friends or soulmates. mostly have assured of their identity and okay about it, whether they are out or not. but for those who mysteriously searching for their directions just say it's a dead end.
i believe they have number of people but you may find the same name connected on the board. for example,me.lol. if you wish to chill and just to search for another it is a recommended place.
cheers.stay stoned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
