Im proud to say that...

when the clock strikes 12 on the 1st of January 2010:


I'VE BEEN ABLE TO STAY SINGLE FOR THE WHOLE YEAR OF 2009!!!!!!!!

terms & conditions:
1) kiss doesn't count
2) less than 2 months relationship doesn't count
3) flirting doesn't count
4) imagination doesn't count
5) loving yourself doesn't count
6) owh wtf,anything as long as it doesn't feel like a RELATIONSHITEY!it doesn't count!!!

do i wanna stay on?

It's over

but it's okay.

save me from 'H'

heartache and headache.

im ready for so many things,just surrender your

E
G
O

babe.

wita is sleeping.

have you ever sat in front of your laptop and thought you had done a lot of things when seriously, you have not moved closer to even 6.5metres away from your seat for hours.

i don't know bout you but i feel weird.

why am i doing this to myself when i can actually start my car and visit old friends, actually attend an event or even sit and sip coffee with my girlfriends that i am already comfortable with, effortlessly.

tonight i'm gonna sit here and wait for ferrah perryd to show up. not cool.

i wanna watch moulin rouge and cry like somebody just died but i don't wanna show up at work with swollen eyes. in the meantime.i wanna hit somebody so hard, that it hurt and laugh till sore.sad evil and happy at the same time.i tell you human are greedy.damn im a greedy human being.

politics in homosexual

ah.not again.politics.even in our sexual orientation?

gtalk-ing to a friend one fine afternoon. i should have worked at that moment but somehow she got my attention (see,that's why!!)

this friend T was into this installment/14 days exhibition of lbgtiq thingy and worked with a friend,M. even if T had been in bed with a woman one thing for sure T is not even gay. i don't know whether she would do the right commotion for one.i am really worried,lol.i really do.

so she was telling M that one time she did with Y. M started to think something (not quite sure it's good or bad), because Y was at this event and was quite close to M that night. T told Y about this and say no way Y, your politics are so different from M! Y was like wtf??! since when I'm politicking my sexual orientation goodness!!T was telling why not.you have a blog and open about your gayness (well she's not the only one) and M is just different and I think, Y, you won't get along. T told Y that she should broaden her politic definition regards to her blogging activity.


owh man this is what happen when an attacker try to be a defender. opponent gets a penalty.

bloody jam makes me a cold person!

Phone ringing.owh F.

F: hiiiii.......do you miss me?

(sambil jenguk keta depan nie nak pergi kanan ke tak nak,handphone terkepit kat telinga kanan sebesar baling kat anjing boleh mati,tangan kiri kena tukar gear,bas belah kiri pulak sikit lagi nak langgar.aaaaaaarrggghhh!!!!!!)

me: NO I DON'TTTTT!I'll call u back i'm stuck in this bloody trafffiiccc!

selamba je.tapi itu ikhlas. time2 gitu xsempat nak rindu2 betul tak. nasib baik tiada pergaduhan berikutan kejadian tersebut.

The new box has a name.

And her name is Ferrah Perryd.

kiss OFF

I take one one one cause you left me and
two two two for my family and
3 3 3 for my heartache and
4 4 4 for my headaches and
5 5 5 for my loneliness and
6 6 6 for my sorrow and
7 7 for no no no tomorrow and
8 8 I forget what 8 was for and
9 9 9 for a lost god and
10 10 10 10 for everything everything everything everything
you can all just kiss off into the air

the inconvenient truth.

Raya is one of the inconvenient events that i can remember.

Lame reason, I have to wear baju kurung, and mms. even if i din want to sooner or later i would be asked to switch camera.

I would compliment her, out of habbit, she would say the same in return.

To kiss the hands that I love and say selamat hari raya,maaf zahir dan batin every single year.

I know I won't change that much or nearly nil.

Top of all I am still ok with it.

Selamat Hari Raya everybody!!!

and to those who doesn't celebrate, have a nice holiday!

cheers, stay stoned.

girl loves girl.

agak susah nak online in public spaces.

besar sangat label nie. tapi tak nak buang.

biar ah!

i have to memorize this so i'll know what to say to mother in case she really finds out.

ma : Who did this to you??!

me : I haven't caught a disease mom, i'm just gay. like i have brown hair.

ma : First! you stop coming to mosque. Now you're up to your neck in sin!

me : It's not a sin!mom i never killed or stolen? and mom i'm trying not to lie to you!

ma : It's a HUGE sin!

me : According to who?!

ma : According to GOD!!!

me : What kind of a God is that?I can't accept it!!

ma : Then you will burn.in.hell!

ada berani?hehehe..



a scene from i can't think straight (yes that's why it sounds so familiar)

how i wish there were more Apples

I knew Apple for more than 2 years now. I was called to write in order to remember the old days where I did not have any friends for emotional support and just accept that i am still human and choosing a meal does not influenced by my sexual orientation.

of course la nobody support, i didn't even tell anybody i had a brutal crush on a girl.lol.

bagus jugak i didn't because at that time we were underage.

finally when M and I went separate ways, my rock and roll friend had this idea to work in Langkawi because hating that comfortable environment she's having in KL. i took that opportunity to run away from memory of M. so we packed our bags and went.

So, in Langkawi I met Apple. It's well known, in lkw most of em are not lkw-ian. most of em are from mainland and...it surprised me to find that most of em were there for almost the same reason as mine (not just the one cases plu, it also includes other big 'drama' in the world)

I got very close to Apple and only few months later she told me why she was there in the first place. it's very bad, i was in disbelief. well of course at that time, she hasn't heard mine but i couldn't lie to her face any longer. it didn't feel right. we even shower together. and so i spilled and we laughed and laughed. OMG are there more of us here?? she didn't freak out, she listened. i think from what she has been through, my case is just another, only different. we sighed at all drops of pins onto us..once in a while she would ask about being one, some are even funny.i just answered, to me i was glad she asked. we are friends until today, when we're back here in hell, KL.

so all friends who accept this certain traits are just born with, thanks for being there:

ek*inibi

al*k

n*jua

k*tik

m*i nu*rul h*da

mas*o

po*dien

n*nu

han*

thil*ga

fio*a

ikh*an

sy*k

cha*p

azr*en

no*n

a*da

su*ia

c*a2

w*ta

za*mel

h*da

haf*z

fa*in

tay*i

y*en

har*y

ro*ie

c*kam

sh*frin

di*ana

a*ie

a*da

z*za

g*

ti*a

me*na

na*

wa*ren

is*ail

sy*z

sher*l

s*ti

and the latest n*r.

nie saja yg bole ingat setakat ini.

stay stoned!

why people say i sound and look younger than my real age.

poyo nya!hehe.

maybe (cis nak jawab jugak.heheee..) because i still wanna live in the past.

i could slow my pace and be nearer to the time where what i 'wanted' became 'have and gotten.'

bla bla bla...
i still say your name, i still have that box filled with your letters, the lil notes, the cds, the cards, the toys, that coded letters weren't we just brilliant (in school.long story, avoid from getting caught)

some has turned yellow, but i still keep it.

i hope somewhere in your room, be it under your bed in a corner and dusty. you still have my letters, my lil notes with bad handwriting, the cds with the songs to show how i was in love with you but keeping it cool (inside i was dying!), the cards that so expensive i bought from hallmark just because i don't know how to make a pop up card like you do, the soft toys actually i got from winning at funfair during family vacation but you don't mind, that coded letter, and other things bla bla bla...

but forgive me sweetheart, deep inside i really need a new box to fill. then i might need your space for that new box because enough is enough of you filling up my spaces. but i still not know how could i clear you from my mind because it's not something i can google to.

so why do i sound and look younger than my age? because i'm still keeping the boxxx!

stay stoned.goooood niiiiiteeeeee!!!!!!!!!

facebook.duh.

i have a facebook i do.

Ms M just created her profile when she finished study. and i was in her friend list. lucky new and old boyfriend are not.

FRIEND list. FRIENDD--uh.

i do check her out once in a while. ok wth. i check her out everytime.

it's not a sign that i haven't moved on. i have.i really have.

i even start thinking of dating, but nothing comes up. not yet.

*nervous*

when mom's in the picture

i could sense that mom was worried, when i was with Ms M.

not that mom knew, that what made her worried more i thought.

mom always said that though she delivered a baby girl, she always felt that she had 3 sons (i have 2 elder brothers). out until 4-6 am in d morning and will not be at home almost every weekend. mama sometimes said, "rupa pun dah lupa". i never talk back but talked about other things instead, she laughed and smiled but when it weekends again she started to worry. im her racun n penawar she said.

Ms M and i always had our getaway, since she was still studying and i was just starting up we had our getaway in the country. When i studied in west malaysia, she flew from east so we could spend d weekend 2gether. i would always remember how my heart thump like a factory machine, waiting for her to appear from the gate, with her bags, decent smile and a promise how great the getaway would be. our 'honeymoons' getaway are the best i ever had. the thing i like when we're together even as both were students we never cared who's gonna pay for this meal, how we're gonna divide it and bla3, as long as both contributed by the end of the day both are happy.

When Ms M had her practical in Klang i'l b driving back n forth federal highway at 4-5 am in the morning. and it is always worth it just to spent our time together.it was the last time since i willingly do that to anyone else. will it be weird if i want that feeling to come again?

So,mom. never asked but she would definitely know by the lil notes i stick on my bedside table. it could never be a note from a guy.the handwriting was too nice and careful. mom once asked a cousin( cousin n i can't be under the same room,merenyam,bising dan buaih) "auntie pun nak cari perempuan la tinggal sekali buat teman,laki-laki sekarang nie menyusahkan, boleh x?" (oops,sorry guys) my cousin called me just after she escaped from the overwhelmed conversation. we both knew she's trying to dig something out. thumbs up,mama:) owh, mom never remarry after ayah passed away 20 yrs ago. in case there's a confusion.

2 years when i keep my relationship with MS M as a secret, mama finally asked who i was seeing. i never told her the truth. i guess i din wanna break her heart. im glad i din,i din have to.

While Ms M always said that as the only child, the only daughter, it's difficult for her to confront her mom. That's why she's keeping her bf (according to her). i know that along the years she had loved her bf and i came in the picture a little too late. we had arguments about this every now and then because why not breaking up with her bf when 24/7 we're together. she cried, i cried. well of course. i just can't picture her in beautiful pengantin dress and clinging to somebody else's arm. urgh i just hate that! M told her mom indirectly and somehow her mom knows my name. one fine day, wise M scribbled my name on the mirror after hot bath and her mom asked..u love who very much??realizing that it's not Mr Macho's name that she knew off. what i like about M eventhough i came out first before she did, she admitted to her mom. and mom was cool about it and gave her some advice. im pretty sure it's religious contents and i din blame mom. she did wat she had to.

whatever it is, i love moms. i wish every mom would have that length of patience and understandings. they din freak out, they knew that somehow along the way, the fragile heart of their daughters might bumped into something different, and scary. but those who doesn't, i guess we can't actually stop them from feeling what they feel. we might have something that we might not like for no reason. and nobody can change that. don't be sad. don't try to kill yourself. you are not alone.

that's all. stay stoned.

couldn't help myself.

Hey everybody.

I am a demon worshipper for this blog. Thanks to- you know who you are for giving me the direction. hiyay.

http://nagging.wordpress.com/

Before that, I want to say something. In a tone where people toast for wedding to celebrate the joy of the newlyweds. hiiiiiii....! (ok2 serious now)

Raising the glass :

B and G.. don't waste what you think is a waste because it is not. even when deep inside you feel like, it is a waste. A real waste , when you decide to go separate ways and look back on how you have wasted the thing you thought was a waste. at that time, deep inside you will think ..WHAT WAS I THINKING!! you will be telling your friends "yes I am forgetting her day by day...." and you just know that is the most hurtful lie ever told.

If the PINK is written by B, i just wanted her to know that she really sounds like somebody i know. well i don't think i need to elaborate. i hope that you hang on for a little while juz for G to pass her 'period'. she loves you very much, she just doesn't know what to do with it and how to say it to you. probably she's the one who got into u at first, i am pretty sure. but please be patient. her emotional is at state which you might not cope. one thing for sure, you're her diamond in the rough. that stoned note #1 was a clear content that she never wanted to lose you, and not really sincere in letting you go. owh trust me (G dun be mad!)

and G. i feel you. once in a while we're afraid that our partners get bored. but that is normal doesn't matter if it is a straight relationship or the other. it is a nightmare,awful and all those things. you just need to pass through this. i hope you don't make her go. it will be hard for you. no kidding. whenever you forgot just scroll your blog (nasib baik ada blog!) and read the 1st moment you were with her. that was what you wanted, you don't want it to change. but. act on it.

a night in cyna makes me wonder

ok, i was at a club.a straight club last night. my ex girlfriend really ruled my life, she destroyed my focus and my laughs. now that she has broken up with her boyfriend (the one while we were together) she is dating someone new, her own medical officer. i was never a yes, always a maybe.i was thinking if loving a girl is so hard, why not be with a man for once. at times i feel i could just throw myself on one, but of course i didn't.

after rounds of booze i finally managed to walk myself to the dance floor with some friends, some i just met. dance and dance. wondering why i could dance by myself with all my might when everybody needs to dance with somebody. i silently glance at a side. a man,foreigner i guess tapping on my shoulder. i just go back to myself dancing without giving any chance of my victory thoughts to lead its way on throwing myself to a man. and so, after hours i decided to just sat at a corner wif dis friend i just met.and looked around..

Defeat!!!

well my eyes couldn't help staring at her, like a tongue stick on ice (she who danced givingly, zero chance of prison desire) without realizing this new friend might notice. well maybe i'm tired of thinking about what others feel at times. fuck it. i was thinking, how nice...

i guess i'm still one!

Cheers.stay stoned.

bad habbit

my bad habbit whenever im in a restaurant or cafe, alone or not, if i have a time in between ordering or waiting for foods to be served. my eyes will silently wander around(in an optimal degree) and my gaydar starts to function by itself. i noe. i dun think it's too obvious. like now.im at starbux centre point. well, i think the baristas alone is 1. once, i had 4 couples in a restaurant.how i noticed. an instant smile or positive pausing look.i had a girlfriend holding my arms.so.i can't be wrong rite?lol.

but it could be coincidence as well.bad habbit i dun care if you stay or go away.

and after that

so another version of facebook purple lab is.meeting new PLU, cikeduting girls/butch (cikedut=check it out). after 2 months religiously using purplelab i do log in everytime im connected,found that it is a very interesting place to meet PLU n talk about how did u become one and aftermath. i met new friends there, endless msging about work, music and so on. there is flirting all around and it's a common thing.

but again, when it comes to the root of all, i don't think it will be a big help. unless if you're looking for friends or soulmates. mostly have assured of their identity and okay about it, whether they are out or not. but for those who mysteriously searching for their directions just say it's a dead end.

i believe they have number of people but you may find the same name connected on the board. for example,me.lol. if you wish to chill and just to search for another it is a recommended place.


cheers.stay stoned.

almost-PurpleLab

dear ,

lost & delirious?forever searching?lol.

if i were to have a website providing support for the one people in malaysia, this website made my dream almost come true.

but the thing is, once you have registered you will receive a notification in your email inbox, which tells ya your registration will not be approved immediately, but within 72 hrs.

so. i will update within 72hrs too then!

goodnite all,stay stoned & cheers.

my humble research

dari sekolah dulu i wish there's a place i can run to after school to ask what is this all about??why sudden change?how did this happen to me?what should i do?pretty sure,i was scared. owh my god am i a ........??erhhhh...

but i have no idea. mana?i felt at that time if i go to ustaz,im sure d whole school will know in a month.im not sayin ustaz or ustazah jahat.im just saying, ustaz pun manusia jugak..nanti terkejut dengar anak murid dia yang datang confront nie. or maybe i was afraid that i wud hear "berdosa ni nak.." no no no!bukan itu yang saya nak dengar. owh by the way i was studying in a boarding school. so the community was.... eherm,islamic.well that is what people call it.


i wanted to do a research and hope that my blog reach to those especially young adult and teenagers to find comfort and understanding. no i will not call it counseling, support group for homosexual who wants to change, it is not a crime, it is not a choice.


i am surprise to find this while i'm looking for the one shelter/support group corner.

http://www.glapn.org/sodomylaws/world/malaysia/mynews025.htm

homosexual is a crime worst than murder!!!!!

seriously?!

im gona talk to a friend who might point me to the right place to seek.

hold.stay stoned.

nite , cheers.

how i, should have handled the case/ apa yang sepatutnya dilakukan

kalau masa bole ditarik2 dan lajukan, alangkahnya bagus.tak payah langkah berjaga2.tapi kalau buat keputusan yang salah kena demerit and boleh betulkan balik.macam spider solitaire tuu...

anyways.

im greatful for wat i had, wat im having, who i was, i am and be.but if i could turn back time, i would have done everything differently. to me, being one comes from different psychological background, and reason.

1) lost their father at young age.
2) growing up rather difficult with brother(s) -for girls
3) being too pampered by parents -for boys.
4) sexual abuse - boys and girls
5) biological

i wanted to say broken home because it seems that it always leads to self unfortunate but no, i haven't met anybody that has this entity. so far.

and the list goes on. anybody happen to read this, please bear in mind that watever written does not come from any famous psychologist or spokeperson, doctors,government & etc.

it's pure experience of mine, my mind and soul of years experiencing this state of affair.

so. my problem was not only that i already had a problem, but how i encountered it. being somehow a 'nancy boy' wen i was young i thought i could handled everything by myself. i admit that i have faced a high level of self denial, social destruction, lack of concentration & passion in academics in my long teenage years.

used to lose some back then now i'm living my mid 20s reclaiming wat i have missed. i gain more friends and accumulate meaningful friendships, playing underground music, drink,smoke and try as hard to be a discipline staff. i am not thinking bout marriage because it seems so fast. more friends sending wedding invitation but yet i have no budge on that.honestly.


sometimes it's heartbreaking to know that nobody but myself know how i can't change. i think because love and lust just can't live without each other. i would cut my finger for those opposing to this.

it's getting late and tomorrow's monday. that means work my friends and i need to sleep!!goodnite and stay stoned.


cheers.

the next tanggapan

ada org beranggapan situasi macam nie disebut as tabiat,perangai and sebab terpengaruh. memang susah bagi sesetengah golongan utk faham.yelah, setiap org dilahirkan berbeza. kadang2 ada yang cakap jangan bagi chance kt org mcm nie.or semua excuse,kalau nk jadi straight memang boleh,report je kat guru besar.yg paling best golongan dilaknat.senang cakap kan.memang senang dari keadaan sebenar.these people will not understand. sometimes i feel blessed that God showed me something that some cant see.i have grown to be a better person.


sewaktu kita lahir di dunia nie takda sapa sangka he or she will turn out to be in love with the same sex. malah tak ada sapa pun ajar.but slowly, somewhere, we heard about it and get the rough idea.i do think that family background, biology, experience and other unspeakable things happening at the same time comes down to this topic. when i first found out that i am one, i thought ditakdirkan.tapi setiap yang ditakdirkan datang dari arah2 berlainan.macam apa yang disebut tadi.sebenarnya.

sesetengah pihak nak 'membanteras' , 'mengawal','menghentikan'.macamana encik.....?tolongla bagitau even i wud not know how!!of course, tangkap la jawapannya kan?hukum.senang cerita.perasaan org macam nie xpayah amek tahu.

aku bukan nak meraih sokongan, tapi fahaman dan kurangkan keganasan terhadap golongan nie.diorang xganas pun.diorg xda perasaan pun nak rogol sesiapa.kalau ada, maybe phidophelia or rapist(this is another topic yea,hope you won't get confused).tapi macam api, bila disimbah minyak mula la jadi besar.bukan minyak telon.sometimes perasaan nak menegakkan apa yg dilalui tu membara.


tak pernah ada lagi local media, setakat yang aku baca, memberi gambaran sebenar tentang keadaan nie. mungkin rata-rata penulis malaysia bukan salah sorang x-men kot.nanti paper xlaku ataupun kena warning dgn pihak atasan!baik ikut jelah, be on d safe side.jadi manusia.akibatnya, xda apa pun tentang manusia yang berubah.


so for those young people, students, teenagers, girls, boys, men, women who juz realized that they are 1, do not panic. you are not alone. distract yourself. talk to people. the RIGHT people. you don't have somebody to talk to?you have to believe in yourself for a minute now. seriously, u have nobody to talk to I won't force you to find 1. go watch L word if you have to.if that can save you from depression. have some laugh. wen ure sane, come back 2 urself and figure it out. balance it.

I will come back with few things. just stay stoned.

salah satu atau salah semua?

lama jugak aku pikir apa nak namakan blog nie. termenung screen sampai mata pun naik runsing. at last aku fikir be honest je lah.sampai bila lagi nak hide in the closet? this is the time.

aku kira 'newbie' bab blog. banyak yang menarik aku baca. pasal travelling, fashion, politic, dan apa - apa jenis -ism dibelakangnya. ada yang sampai aku rasa termasuk dalam otak penulis. tak kisahlah ada yang mengaku drug user, rasa life memang fucked up gile, semua org xfaham. tp pelik, rata - rata tengok semua orang ada kawan kan??semua orang nampak happy?semua cantik dan bijak belaka.hmm.

okay aku ada vision or matlamat utk blog nie. i hope sewaktu aku umur 14 dulu i know where i could turn to wen i juz found out that i was crazily, genuinely fallen in love with this girl. i know that perkataan genuine dah start diverge a lot of minds..but its okay.i had enough. because terlalu memikirkan yang buat aku terus jatuh dan lost dan hampir bunuh diri dulu. tahun 1998 malaysia host sukan commonwealth,anuar kena tangkap dsb sorry aku xtau lagi apa yang berlaku time tu i was caught up with myself.



aku sebenarnya agak terganggu dengan sesetengah tanggapan, bak kata ex girlfriend aku (sekarang nie dah ex, we'll get there soon, stay tune:)) aku nie memang SUKA buat assumption sendiri. but this time i know i must be right at least 35%. don't ask me how i come out with that figure, i have no bloody idea. tapi lebih kurang la kira. aku sesak dengan gambaran a girl loves girl.

story 1:
a girl was born.went to school.met a girl.the girl.butterfly in her stomach.can't concentrate.have to tell her.have to tell her.im gonna die.confused.

story 2:
a girl was born.went to school.had a boyfriend.excellent.received a letter.soulmate.fall for her.fall for her.confused.


my friends, how the word which label these two girls become so branding?

i hate that word. because the way it sounds. because what people would think.

1) 2 girls in nightdress on each other, groping and moaning oh so loudly (xpayah bising pun xpa sebenarnya kan?but suka hatila)

2) or it can be 3,4 or 5 girls at a time milking each other and be rather horny in front of a fridge (woops kantoi) but i've seen it yes.

3) all sex sex sex.is it correct to call it sex?no.fantasy.

boleh x continue the next tanggapan in next blog?ngantuk la plak.esok nak keja.haih kehidupan:)

stay stoned.nites.muahs.